Anyway, let's begin with your questions. Sure looks like you've got a lot of 'em! Heh! That's what we're here for. Okay.
- Your Ticket Oak is a genetically modified organism with highly developed speech function. Ticket Oaks undergo years of training before being shipped to your yard to ensure the highest satisfaction.
- I wish it were that easy to grow a Ticket Oak! The germination process is very complex and takes place in our special Ticket Oak farms.
- We don't use "wizards" in your classical definition, Mr. Guerrero, but our botanists, genetic engineers and ticket agents may seem like wizards with the level of service they provide!
- The use of a tree is so that tickets can become a renewable resource, not to mention the oxygen trees generate. We are proudly carbon neutral at Live Oaks.
- Wizards are not lonely. They're wizards! Ladies love wizards.
- Our Ticket Oaks lose their leaves in accordance with regular oaks' natural life cycle but the tickets are generated year-round in order to best suit our customers' needs.
- You may request tickets for any event at any time over the course of the year.
- Even football games.
- You may choose to select your tickets several months in advance in order to facilitate making plans for the autumn and winter, but short of catching fire, your Ticket Oak will always be able to accommodate your requests, because it is an oak that grows tickets.
- Your Ticket Oak should have no concept of awkwardness and be happy to interact with you in whatever manner you prefer. Please just realize that Ticket Oaks are not human and as such, in accordance with federal law, they may not be used for romantic purposes.
- Please don't insult our botanists, genetic engineers and ticket agents by calling them "dumb" or "lonely." All species of trees were considered and tested before we settled on the mighty oak.
Ticket Oaks cannot digest with their mouths and as such this little girl is safe.
- Your Ticket Oak will not have tear ducts and its ability to be sad was phased out of genetic engineering after we determined that would have no positive effects on the ownership experience.
- While we cannot guarantee that your Ticket Oak will not suffer damage over its lifetime much in the same way a regular tree would, rest assured that it would not lose its tickets in "a little breezy" conditions. Also, it has no nerve endings so it will never feel pain.
- You will not be held liable for tickets that accidentally go those who don't ask for them—though we must point out that in the scenario you described, where a 13-year-old girl just so happens to come across Rihanna tickets, that 90-95% of the time, the teenager merely steals the ticket directly from the oak. For this reason we recommend a security camera on your Ticket Oak.
- Again, though we don't know all the details, the teenager is almost certainly at fault here.
- You don't know how hard it is to raise a teenage girl, Mr. Guerrero. You just do the best you can and hope others don't undo your work.
- Our Ticket Oaks begin speech therapy at the age of 8 years, when its mouth and treelarynx begin developing. This may seem like a long time but any sooner and you risk permanent damage.
- Dishonest Ticket Oaks are rare, thanks to our breeding process that focuses on maximizing positive traits and eliminating negative traits. In addition, our Ticket Oaks undergo years of customer service training and testing to ensure you will not encounter a negative experience like this.
- If you have a problem with one of our trees, please contact Customer Service immediately. Do not attempt to discipline your Ticket Oak yourself.
- Do not threaten anybody's Ticket Oak.
- Your Ticket Oak needs to be able to trust you.
- We are still working in conjunction with legislators to determine the appropriate penalty for maiming or destroy a Ticket Oak. We believe 5-10 years of prison is appropriate as it's an act of ecoterrorism and one that inhibits commerce.
- As mentioned before, your Ticket Oak has no nerve endings so you don't have to worry about hurting it. Please maintain the utmost of care, though.
Do not kill trees around your Ticket Oak.
- If your Ticket Oak loses a branch, don't panic! Be sure to gather as many of the tickets as possible before they sit on the ground too long and decompose. If it's a small branch, don't worry; trees are resilient. If it's a major branch and you're concerned about your Ticket Oak's health, please contact Customer Service and we will be happy to refer a Ticket Oak Certified® tree care specialist to your residence.
- You will never wake up to your Ticket Oak screaming in your backyard.
- Your Ticket Oak should not scare you at any point in its life.
- How often your friends ask you for tickets is up to them and you. If there are any types of ticket you would prefer your Ticket Oak not produce, please let us know upon ordering and we can customize your Ticket Oak accordingly.
- Federal OSHA regulations require that you be given a full hour for lunch, so if your co-worker interrupts you to ask for tickets, you should feel free to assert your rights as a worker.
- Part of responsible Ticket Oak ownership is knowing whom to inform about it. If you're not comfortable with casual acquaintances hitting you up for tickets, keep the information to yourself.
- This guy sounds like a real jerk, although "Jeff Dunham tickets" was a pretty big giveaway on that one.
- Please inform your family and friends that no-showing on a Ticket Oak ticket may endanger our ongoing relationships with event hosts and other ticket providers. They count on us to be there!
- Please flip out responsibly.
- Supervisor-subordinate relationships can be very tricky. If you're asked to do something you're not comfortable doing, contact your company's Human Resources department.
Do not give your Ticket Oak even mild sedatives or stimulants. Live Oaks will not be held responsible for your Ticket Oak's behavior under mind-altering substances.
- Reselling Ticket Oak tickets without a license is heavily frowned upon.
- Your Ticket Oak will not pass judgment on what you get tickets for or how you use them—too many gray areas—but if found reselling Ticket Oak tickets, you could be liable for heavy monetary fines and/or scalping charges.
- Please see the above answer. Your Ticket Oak will not be offended by you, but that doesn't make everything you do with it okay.
- It may or may not be illegal to scalp tickets in your area, depending on local laws, but it is a direct violation of your Ticket Oak Terms of Service and it can result in the termination of your Ticket Oak privileges.
- Again, this is an illicit means of making a living.
- All Ticket Oaks' ticket-generating capabilities are capped at a fixed amount, depending on your license, but it is a small enough amount that even if you were to sell all your tickets (again, in direct violation of your Ticket Oak Terms of Service), you would not recoup an amount of money that would merit an all-caps reaction.
- Your Ticket Oak has no use for money.
- Feeding your Ticket Oak premium fertilizer and mulch is a good idea for its long-term health!
- TicketMaster and Live Nation both have ongoing licensing relationships with Live Oaks and Ticket Oak, and as such have no incentive to kill Ticket Oaks. Your Ticket Oak can only grow tickets that it was genetically programmed to grow, thanks to the licenses mentioned earlier. If you suspect someone is trying to kill your Ticket Oak, please contact the local authorities. It is a crime!
- As mentioned before, your Ticket Oak has no use for money and as such cannot voluntarily reject its partnership with you. If it is placed in an unhealthy environment for tree or is otherwise stressed out, it may not bloom tickets, but we inspect all future Ticket Oak homes to prevent this from occurring.
- Please contact Customer Service if your Ticket Oak becomes stubborn.
- There should be nothing "hard to maintain" about a lifestyle that includes going to whatever shows you like, and as long as you are not reselling tickets in violation of the Ticket Oak Terms of Service, your relationship with your Ticket Oak should be long and sustainable.
- We cannot stop you from selling a property where your Ticket Oak resides; we merely ask that the new buyer is aware of the Ticket Oak on the premises and can care for it accordingly. Also, please file the appropriate paperwork with us in this event so we may keep our records up to date.
- Please do not take things you think after several glasses of wine seriously.
- Your Ticket Oak should be very worth it to you if you care for it as described above! I'd be happy to speak with you about our reasonable prices and finance plans so you can take the first step toward ownership of a Live Oaks-certified Ticket Oak today!
